The Rude Pundit

12/21/2005
Bad Days For Churchy:
Yesterday was a bad day for Churchy. Churchy been havin' a good run, 'cause Churchy's had it together for so long, fightin' fer that "under God" in that Pledge, fightin' against them acty-vist judgies, threatenin' to boycott Target stores over "Happy Holidays" despite the fact that Target lets its Churchy-lovin' pharmy-cysts send whores lookin' fer day-after pills off to the drug stores of Gomorrah. Yeah, man, Churchy and Churchy's own chosen one, the Presy-dent of United States, have been havin' theyselves some fun on our dime. And maybe Churchy's Cadillac of Christ's Love is just hittin' a few bumps in that highway to sal-fuckin'-vation, man, that long road to rapture and the lovin' open arms o' Jesus waitin' to caress the sin out o' Churchy's sore body. But Churchy's havin' a bad day or two, poor Churchy.

Churchy fought, so hard, to get that Intelligent Design rammed through to the science curriculum of public schools of little ol' Dover, PA (new motto: "Please, everyone, leave us alone"). But one of them acty-vist judgies wouldn't hear nothin' 'bout no intelligent design. Said judgie, "Both Defendants and many of the leading proponents of ID make a bedrock assumption which is utterly false. Their presupposition is that evolutionary theory is antithetical to a belief in the existence of a supreme being and to religion in general. Repeatedly in this trial, Plaintiffs’ scientific experts testified that the theory of evolution represents good science, is overwhelmingly accepted by the scientific community, and that it in no way conflicts with, nor does it deny, the existence of a divine creator."

Judgie went on, "Those who disagree with our holding will likely mark it as the product of an activist judge. If so, they will have erred as this is manifestly not an activist Court. Rather, this case came to us as the result of the activism of an ill-informed faction on a school board, aided by a national public interest law firm eager to find a constitutional test case on ID, who in combination drove the Board to adopt an imprudent and ultimately unconstitutional policy. The breathtaking inanity of the Board’s decision is evident when considered against the factual backdrop which has now been fully revealed through this trial. The students, parents, and teachers of the Dover Area School District deserved better than to be dragged into this legal maelstrom, with its resulting utter waste of monetary and personal resources."

Or, in other words, "Hey, Churchy, shove yer pandas up yer lyin' asses, and stop wastin' everyone's time with yer Churchy bullshit. Yeah, you heard it, Churchy, quit fuckin' around with the tax dollars so maybe we can buy some new textbooks, ones that have a big goddamn monkey fuckin' the shit out of the ass of a white-bearded, robed old man. But, don't worry, Churchy: that old man can take care of hisself. He don't need Churchy tryin' to get his back."

And then, today, Churchy had to watch on the TV the sight of Elton John gettin' all civilly united to his boyfriend of a dozen years in England today. Yeah, all over the UK, queers are unitin' up: Irish cocksmokers, Scottish muffdivers, Welsh leather queens, and British lipstick femmes are all hookin' up with their significant others 'cause, see, it's legal there now. Oh, British Churchy is in an uproar, havin' a tizzy, but that sad thing about the UK is that no one gives a high holy rat fuck about Churchy there. Instead, over here, everyone's watchin' the TV, the CNN, the MSNBC, even the Fox "News," seein' the sight of a pair of gay men happy and gettin' all these rights. God, Churchy must think, how the sight must infect the eyes, must shame the soul, must make the children cry. 'Cause Churchy don't want anyone to be happy unless they're thinkin' about Churchy.

Man, this must be causin' some of those night sweats fer Churchy, bringin' up memories of all the times it's been stymied on its agenda in the past, the Massachusetts legislature, the Edwards v. Aguillard decision, all that shit that seemed so long ago, before Churchy proclaimed that the United States is owned by Churchy, motherfuckers, now bow down and pray 'cause Churchy says ya got to, got to, got to, kneel down to Churchy.

The Rude Pundit wants to rejoice, man, wants to dance a little happy jig over Churchy's prone body, wants to say, "Yo, Churchy, things keep goin' like this, and you can say 'Merry Fuckin' Suck-Christ's-Dickmas' as much as you want." But the Rude Pundit can't. 'Cause, see, he's looked into Churchy's spinnin' eyeballs, he's seen the insanity that dwells inside Churchy, heard them talk about they'll just come up with a new strategy, a new way to hate, and he knows that Churchy may be down, but Churchy's a resilient motherfucker. It may take a day, perhaps three, but Churchy will rise again.

About the Citizen's Contract:
Yesterday, the Rude Pundit proposed a Loyal Citizen's Contract With the American Government. Several rude readers have asked to send it around to non-readers. The Rude Pundit says to let the contract fly outside of Left Blogsylvania. Send it freely. And you didn't need "permission" in the first place.